How to confront ‘ugly talk’ in the workplace

A family member was recently part of a watercooler conversation that turned uncomfortable and ugly when a co-worker realized that the company’s new hire was gay. Speculation turned on the colleague’s personal life, including their recent marriage, making their day of joy the subject of multiple jokes.

It was shocking and ignorant and left my loved one speechless. After all, it’s not always easy to know what to say when faced with the realization that a colleague doesn’t share your values and feels comfortable enough to broadcast their prejudice.

Growing up, my mother called any type of vulgarity “ugly talk.” That could mean anything from curse words to slang to speech that denigrated others because of their sexual identity, appearance or race. 

She grew up in a rural South Carolina milltown where such language and attitudes had been common, but she was always evolving as a person, modeling to me that it’s not hard to approach others as equals, with empathy and kindness. 

The current political climate has seen an uptick in overtly racist, sexist and homophobic language and assertions that are deeply offensive to many of us. In addition, the rollback in DEI initiatives across many companies has emboldened this type of rhetoric in the workplace and in our communities. If my mother were still with us, she wouldn’t believe her ears.

What do you do when you want to step in but don’t know quite how? Should you just keep silent or speak up in the face of discriminatory statements? What do you do if a valued client says something offensive? It’s a tricky spot professionally, but there are a variety of ways to speak up.

You don’t need the perfect words to say something

You may not feel comfortable debating with your colleague or client, but you don’t want to look like you agree with them. If you’re at a loss for words in the moment, don’t make a secret of your shock. Here are some things to say, accompanied by a silence that speaks volumes:

• “Wow” or “No” (with a firm shake of the head or a quick exit)

• “What do you mean by that?” (Put the onus on them to explain or elaborate on their “joke.”)

Even a simple response can make a difference and shift the tone.

It’s okay to stumble, especially when you’re shocked. What matters is showing that the comment wasn’t okay. Consider short, clear phrases like:

• “That’s not appropriate.”

• “Let’s keep it professional.”

• “That’s crossing a line.”

Use “I” statements or put the focus on the person being targeted to flag discomfort without creating instant defensiveness in the speaker:

• “I don’t think that’s appropriate for this space.”

• “That’s our colleague. I don’t think this is something to joke about.”

• “That kind of language creates a toxic work environment, and it’s not in keeping with my understanding of our company culture.”

Loop in leadership or HR, if needed, since this type of comment reflects the potential for discriminatory behavior that violates fair housing or equal employment laws.

Make inclusive language part of the culture

If you are part of leadership, make sure that you’ve set expectations for respectful behavior and appropriate norms. Train teams on what to say and how to say it. Talk about discrimination openly, and empower everyone to talk about their own experiences with bias openly and without recrimination.

Normalize real-time corrections that can enlighten and improve discourse in the moment:

• “Actually, Sam uses ‘they’ pronouns.”

• “Let’s rephrase that to be more inclusive.”

9 ways to proactively show allyship or alignment with marginalized groups

1. Use inclusive language all the time

Say “partner” instead of assuming someone’s spouse is a man or woman. Say “team” instead of “guys.” Normalize asking for and sharing pronouns in person, on Slack and on LinkedIn.

2. Give credit, don’t co-opt

Amplify voices, especially those from marginalized groups. If someone else had the idea first, say so. “Share the mic” by deferring to those who might otherwise be overlooked.

3. Learn without putting the burden on others

Read, listen, watch and educate yourself without expecting colleagues from underrepresented groups to do the labor for you.

Looking for resources? Check out the Racial Justice, Racial Equity, and Anti-Racism Reading List from Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government or Cultureally's 20+ must-read books on inclusion.

4. Check your assumptions

Don’t assume someone’s role, background, identity or family structure based on appearance or name. Default to curiosity, not conclusions.

5. Interrupt bias or microaggressions

If someone gets talked over in a meeting, circle back: “I think Taylor was making a point — let’s go back to that.”

6. Include diverse voices proactively

When building teams, running meetings or sourcing ideas, ask: “Whose perspectives are missing?” Then go get them.

7. Model respect in the moment

Pronounce names correctly. Don’t make jokes at someone else’s expense. Respect people’s time, space and dignity.

8. Support policy and culture shifts

Advocate for equitable hiring practices, parental leave for all genders, pronoun fields in company tools and inclusive benefits.

9. Be willing to be corrected — and thank people for it

If someone points out a blind spot, don’t get defensive. Say thanks, correct yourself and do better next time. That’s real allyship.

It’s confusing and scary to live in a time when standing up for simple human decency can put you at risk. Think how much scarier it is to be the target of that kind of bigotry.

Speaking up for others and protecting their rights to a safe and equitable environment starts with those who have the advantage of privilege. If you have privilege, use it to make the way smoother for those around you.